The 7 hottest rumors about the iPhone 7

Nope, not this

I know! It’s like the fairy dust around the iPhone 6 has barely settled, and already reports are surfacing about what Tim, Jony and God himself have in mind for re-exploding your consciousness with the next iteration of Apple’s purest tech heroin.

The iPhone 7! Will it have sapphire glass? Solar charging? Improved camera? What are you, an infant?

This is Apple, you nit. Check that: This is Apple, in a mad footrace with Samsung, the ghost of Steve Jobs and space-time itself, all coupled to the apocalypse and the imminent downfall of all humanity. You gotta think big.

Here, then, are the top 7 rumored features, according to multiple inside sources that might or might not actually exist.

7) Apocalypse Fatigue Mode. Special sensors developed at CERN in Switzerland will sync with the National Weather Service, the Doomsday Clock and your own exhausted biorhythms to sense the exact moment you realize, with a heaving sigh, that we really are totally screwed and what’s the point anyway. Your new phone will then leap out of your hands and plummet far out into the globally warmed ocean depths because, you know, f—k it.

6) Scalia Detests You Indicator. Is the World’s Nastiest Supreme Court Justice about to issue another homophobic, misogynistic, power-sucking opinion that stabs at the very heart of all you hold dear? Is his cold, dead-eyed partner in crime, Chief Justice John “Danger Mouse” Roberts, about to ruin your sense of fairness and humanism by further empowering corporations to drain the very lifeblood of society? Apple’s proprietary algorithm secretly measures when Scalia’s heartbeat leaps excitedly from its normal turgid, lizard-like pace, to let you know when it’s all about to go to hell. Again.

5) Productivity Stimulator/Ugly Mode. Responding to corporate complaints about lost employee productivity as a result of the iPhone being just “too damn much fun” to play with all day, Apple has quietly designed a special mode, activated when you enter pre-set corporate parameters (i.e.; your cubicle), that instantly makes your iPhone 7 behave like an Android/Windows phone/Kindle Fire. “Ugh,” you will slump. “Might as well get back to work.”

4) Los iPhone Siete. White people! Not long for this world, are we? What, maybe 20, 30 years left of overall sociocultural dominance, before the scary Mexicans take over completely? Secret patent applications indicate that Apple is already designing the iPhone 7 to work with an entirely new coding language, one with lots of accents, umlauts and weird pronunciations specifically designed to usher the remnants of the white overclass into fields of imminent irrelevance. Get ready.

Yes, it’s very sweet. Yes, it’s good to remember. But no, Buddha never said it.

3) Buddha Says Hush. Stop! Were you about to re-post a cute, but also kinda cheesy blurb to your Facebook wall, one that you blindly attributed to Buddha because you’re too lazy to actually look it up?

Good news! Apple has partnered with FakeBuddhaQuotes.com to tell you A) Buddha never said that, and B) you’re probably quoting Jack Kornfield. Also includes Rumi Overuse Alert, That’s Not Oscar Wilde and Knock It Off Already with All the Pictures of Your Goddamn Cat.

This, only better

2) Porn Camera Plus. In the era of SnapChat blaming you for being dumb enough to trust its lame, hackable API with your nude pix in the first place, the iPhone 7’s new Porn Mode automatically chooses the ideal filter set for perfect sex shots, like the Up-and-Under, the In-and-Between, the Moan-and-Moneyshot and (for the gays) the Unicorn Rainbow Backslider. Hey, if your naughty bits are going to be stolen/shared/sold, they might as well at least look professional, right?

1) Don’t, No Really Don’t. One of the most desperately sought-after features finally comes to iPhone! DNRD is a special algorithm in iPhone 7 that scans your in-progress texts for “hotbutton” keywords and sloppy typos as you write, as a fingertip sensor measures your blood/alcohol level. About to drunk-text your ex, your boss, that guy you met at the bar that one time who never called you back but maybe he just lost your number? iPhone 7 emits a piercing screech and shoots a bolt of electricity into your body just strong enough to knock you completely unconscious, right before you hit “Send.” Thank it tomorrow.