30,000 awesome things you should know about Carly Fiorina

May 5, 2015 Originally published on SFGate

Carly Fiorina! You are entering the presidential race! Some say you are a brave and outspoken leader! Some say your are a ridiculous and unhinged conservative and nobody anywhere can really imagine you leading anything ever again, much less the entire nation because OMG you’ve got to be kidding. How delightful!

Perfectly done

Perfectly done

One thing upon which everyone agrees: You are best remembered as the tremendously, I mean epically disastrous CEO of Hewlett-Packard for a miserable blip of time in the early ‘00s, much-loathed and cringingly remembered, brought in to save one of the most powerful, storied tech companies in American history and instead forcing it through a disastrous restructuring, laying of tens of thousands and losing the company billions in value, before being fired.

Good thing you only walked away with about $100 million for your efforts. Otherwise life would seem, you know, really unfair.


Hey, Bush was a failed CEO too, and look how great HE turned out to be


Ah, but perhaps I’m a little biased? Perhaps your stint at HP wasn’t so bad (cough), and I should go research more about your actual policies and positions, what you’ve done recently (besides lose, badly, to Barbara Boxer) because, being Carly Fiorina, of course you must be highly tech savvy, astute, dialed in to the zeitgeist. Right?

Oh, Carly. It appears you, like nearly all other daft, unloved Republican candidates, failed to register one of your own personal domains – carlyfiorina.org – in time for the election cycle. It appears someone (turns out it’s Michael Link, a fine patriot and employee with the Service Employees International Union) has gone ahead and registered it for you. How thoughtful!

And trust me, Carlyfiorina.org really is helpful. It reminds the world that you laid off a whopping 30,000 people over your six years at HP. And you still lost the company billions in stock value. And you made $100 million doing it. Because America.

Don’t fret overmuch, Carly. You are, of course, far from alone. You join a very twitchy group of similarly tone-deaf, out-of-touch GOP candidates who failed to get their own names right for this enormously tech-savvy modern election.

As you surely know by now, TedCruz.com helpfully reminds everyone to support Obama’s immigration reform. JebBushforPresident.com has long been owned by Charlie and CJ, a lovely gay couple from Oregon.

RandPaul.com is rumored to be operated by multiple heavily stoned, glue-sniffing orangutan conspiracy theorists. MarcoRubio.com is run by a team of confused, elderly trolls living somewhere in 1951. Chris Christie’s site is all about how to eat an entire ham using only your feet. HillaryClinton.com has been around so long it was originally written entirely in tags. And of course, Rick Santorum prays every single day that people would finally quit Googling “Rick Santorum Dan Savage” at the same time. Oh, you crazy Internet.

At least some got it right. At least the Almighty managed to to nail down His own Twitter handle in time. I mean, thank God.

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Mark Morford

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