All the terrifying delights of the Republican National Convention

July 22, 2016 Originally published on SFGate

We are underway. We are already nauseated, mired and effortlessly revolted, as duly expected. America, get ready to feel some new and exciting flavors of shame! This one’s going to burn.

There are fidgety white people with guns. There is sexism and misogyny like rancid perfume. There are plastic cowboy hats and Chinese-made jingoism and the staggering star power of one Scott “Charles in Charge” Baio, because apparently Ted Nugent was too busy skinning a rotting elk carcass with his few remaining teeth to attend.

Baio, easily the least relevant or interesting Z-grade celebrity you forget even existed, says he was personally invited by Trump to speak at the convention, which tells you exactly the level of draw and intelligence Trump has. “Oh my God, Trump got Scott Baio out of obscurity to shine his sublime intellectual brilliance upon the needful nation? America will indeed be great again!” said no one, ever.

Baio, who, upon being asked to speak, immediately re-tweeted the nastiest anti-Hillary meme imaginable, has officially given the convention all the glitz and glamour of an auto parts expo in Reno.

The worst of America

The RNC: The worst of America

Vicious anti-Hillary sentiment? Already rampant, of course, in the way fart jokes are rampant in Adam Sandler movies. There are buttons and T-shirts, bumper stickers and memes of all kinds calling Hillary a ‘bitch’ and a ‘c*nt’ and deserving of prison, covered in blood, savaging her gender, her age, her body, her husband’s ancient affair and, well, anything else the creepy white uncles of the GOP can dredge up from their scabrous junior-high mindsets. All class, that’s Trump’s GOP.

At this point, there’s only one relevant question: How humiliating is it going to get? How sad and gross and discomfiting, in how many unexpected ways? Will Melania Trump’s speech be as awkward and useless as you imagine? How many civil rights will be trampled upon by the very nervous Cleveland police, when facing down protesters? Will Sarah Palin make a surprise visit, jumping out of a giant cake made of racism and fear, wearing only a shiny gold assault rifle and her son’s tendencies toward domestic violence? Well,why the hell not?

Will there be chaos? Will the Never Trump delegates, who now claim to have enough support to force a vote on convention rules, thus embarrassing the Orange Maniac and further proving that the party is indeed in laughable disarray, make for ridiculous spectacle, or merely add to the depressing commentary on the bleak, nasty state of the American right? Oh wait, it already has.

Will Trump himself, at some point in his desperately written, don’t-you-dare-go-off-script speech, duly threaten one Tony Schwartz, the very miserable guy who ghost-wrote “Art of the Deal” back in the late ‘80s and who now regrets it deeply, calling Trump a mentally unstable sociopath who will be easily provoked into nuclear Armageddon if he should win the election? One can hope.

One thing’s for sure: Absolutely no one of any intellectual or spiritual depth is looking forward to this. All notable Republicans are avoiding this convention like the plague of embarrassment it already is. The speaking lineup is a joke. The organization is threadbare and chaotic. No one is truly leading. No one fully understands the GOP platform, because Trump keeps mauling it with his tiny little fingers, and cackling.

It’s all kinds of terrifyingly delightful, and vice-versa. Trump has personally guaranteed that this year’s RNC will be the political equivalent of giant piñata full of skunk stench and razor blades and Muslim-shaped dog treats. And the Right is fantastically paranoid, blindfolded, swinging wildly.

Find the RNC button that’s right for you:

— Matt Pearce (@mattdpearce) July 18, 2016

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Mark Morford

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