At last! Golfboard cures the agony of golfing in Maui

May 5, 2015 Originally published on SFGate

It is enormously reassuring to know, in times of bitter class divisions, when racial tensions are high, a handful of billionaires own the next election and the .001% rule America, that someone, somewhere, is still thinking of the unfortunate, neglected, rich white bro golfer demographic.

Right? Are you aware? Or are you just another unfeeling zombie, heartlessly ignoring the multivariate struggles of young, entitled white males? Who golf? In Maui? Hush now.

Consider! Golf courses. They are large. They ostensibly require much by way of arduous walking, strolling, cruising. It’s a dreadful problem, really. Have you heard?

This could be you! Except not really!

This could be you! Except not really!

Things are even more difficult in the tropical wonderland of Maui, where there are even – can you imagine? – mild inclines on some of the courses, all sorts of perfectly manicured, steep little hills that these unfortunate white guys sometimes have to walk all the way up. Then back down. With their clubs! While drinking! What sort of world is this? What are we, savages?

(What’s that? “Use a golf cart,” you say? Golf carts are for grandpas, bro. Besides, everyone knows being, like, upright is supposed to better for you. Or whatever).

As if that’s not bad enough, you will be shocked to learn that in Maui, there is very little by way of snow. Ergo, it is nearly impossible for any wealthy white bro to get in any snowboarding turns whatsoever, to keep him primed for ski season. While he is golfing. In Maui. With his bros. In the balmy sunshine. On his Morgan Stanley expense account. I know!

Well! Praise Jesus and hump your new Porsche Cayenne Turbo, a solution has arrived.

Behold! The Golfboard, a giant, upright, battery powered skateboard/golf caddy/snowboard thing. Dude! Where do I order?

Yes, for a mere seven grand or so, you too can “get in some turns” while you cruise around Maui’s more, uh, “challenging” inclines. The Golfboard appears to be one part skateboard, one part Segway, one part surf/snowboard and all parts rich white bro. The developers even managed to rope in surf legend and white-bro demigod Laird Hamilton to “consult” on, well, who really cares.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “What a total hella blast it will be ‘snowboarding’ around the Mauna Kea Beach Hotel, whooping and belching not at all obnoxiously while trying not to spill my fourth Mai Thai!”

Or rather, you would be thinking that, if they allowed your kind anywhere near a golf course in Maui. Do you make mid-six figures? Did you legacy at Stanford? Does your former frat have four dozen outstanding complaints of public nuisance and sexual harassment? Didn’t think so. Get a real job, hippie.

Golfboard! Because nothing says “I understand and am much attuned with the incomprehensible beauty and challenging spiritual conundrums of this glorious and much-abused world” than a $7,000 electric skateboard that lets wealthy man-boys “get in some turns” while bopping from hole to hole on a tropical island. Dudebro! Fist bump! Shrimp buffet later! Word.

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Mark Morford

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