Confirmed! Fracking – NOT gay marriage – causes earthquakes

May 5, 2015 Originally published on SFGate

America! Turns out we had it all wrong. It’s fracking – or more specifically, the brutal wastewater drilling practices that accompany it – that’s causing all those earthquakes in all those states.

Translation: not gay marriage! Not female sexuality. Not God smiting the heathens. Not pornography, or yoga pants, or Obamacare, or feminism, or liberals in Hollywood, or young people trying anal sex for the first time and perhaps enjoying it immensely and going on to have happy and productive and not the slightest bit panicky, God-fearing lives.

How can this possibly be bad for the planet?

How can this possibly be bad for the planet?

What a relief, no? Indeed, the US Geological Survey’s new (and overdue, and obvious) findings come as a tremendous good news to the hundreds of millions of us who’ve been living with the deep, abiding shame that can only come with knowing that our personal behavior, sexual orientation, enjoyment of books and occasional illegal substances, aborted pregnancies, alternative family structures, rejection of dogma and organized religion, riding of bicycles by young girls and/or adoration of tattoos, sex toys, self-definition and free-thinking intellectualism have been the source of all the major disruptions of any kind anywhere in the universe.

This will, I imagine, be very difficult revelation for the conservative right, for Fox News, for all who not-so-secretly believe, against all evidence and despite how no one likes to have them around at parties, that the real cause of any/all of America’s woes – a black president, extreme weather, Wi-Fi outages, $6 coffee drinks, liberal cities – is millions of heathen perverts veering far from the adorably absurd moral script set forth in the totally, completely, I mean impossibly unreliable Bible that’s actually a completely, heavily politicized, re-re-re-translated hunk of adorable myth-making fiction.

It’s time for these unhappy citizens to face the truth. Turns out boring giant holes in the Earth’s outermost crust and then shoving millions of tons of toxic wastewater into it is, you know, a very bad idea. Earth kicks back. Harder and harder. Turns out our billionaire-run mega-industries, which have been given free reign by the noxious Supreme Court, which increasingly own the Republican Party and which don’t care much for things like “environment” or “regulation” or “paying taxes,” don’t have our best interests at heart. Try not to gasp.

They might not cause earthquakes, but they sure do make Republicans tremble

They might not cause earthquakes, but they sure do make Republicans tremble

Maybe it’s all a lie? A vast conspiracy? Maybe the US Geological Survey is in bed with the world’s top climate scientists, all part of the same giant scam that’s promoting the climate change “hoax,” all designed by liberals and comrade Obama to discredit Big Energy and make everyone walk to work and eat tofu and live in caves and marry their dog.

After all, how can it be that God doesn’t really give a damn who you have sex with? How can there be no harm from women wanting total 100% unquestionable control over their bodies and their sex? How is it possible that if a boy kisses another boy and enjoys the hell out of it, the earth does not shatter to pieces? Or perhaps the ultimate insult of all: How is it possible that America, God’s most favoritest place on earth, is not the slightest bit, by any measure, a “Christian nation?”

Blasphemy! I await the bolt of lightning that will strike me down for saying so. Any minute now.

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Mark Morford

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