Horrible parents choose Trump!

April 15, 2016 Originally published on SFGate

The questions are as timeless as they are morally imperative: How to pass on the most helpful values and ideals to your children? How to best ensure their safety and integrity as they grow?

And what of the exact opposite? What if you’re a truly mal-educated, ultraconservative beast of a parent, one who probably should never have had kids in the first place? Which life lessons are most important to pass on to your unfortunate brood? What poisonous ideals can you instill now, so as to best crush their dreams of ever being happy in the future?

You can start with the obvious. Such as: Rich, old, scared white men should always be in charge of everything. Deeply paranoid, well armed and unable to point to Syria on a map? Even better. And you should never, ever question them. Or their nasty, punitive God.

You could also go with the classics, like black people are scary and mean you ill, or Mexicans are drug dealers and rapists, or women really only get ahead if they’re dumbly compliant, sort of hot and don’t ask too many questions. Hey, it worked for the 1850s.

But the truth is, if you really want to be a nightmarish example to your hapless kids, the kind of angry, pseudo-intelligent non-adult who has no problem whatsoever shoving hateful rejoinders, sexist sneers and racist venom down the tiny throats of your unsuspecting spawn, there is really only one option: Vote Trump!

Happy, loving parents with happy, well-adjusted kids? Trump is your nightmare

Isn’t it obvious? Damn kids have way too much freedom these days, anyway. They need to learn that the world’s a cruel, scary place full of godless foreigners, book-reading liberals and man-hating feminazis who want to bite off your penis and blow up the nearest Walmart and make everyone ride a solar-powered bike to work. Build a wall! Get more bullets! Ban Mexico! Don’t get out of the bunker! Vote Trump!

See, awful parents know: Only Trump can keep the true spirit of hateful, regressive, paranoid America alive. Just look at him, posing creepily with his teen daughter a few years back, atop a statue of two parrots having sex. Listen (with your kids!) as Trump suggests that if said daughter wasn’t his own offspring, he’d probably date her. Incest is neat!

Why not let Trump teach your tots about the gross horrors of, say, Megyn Kelly’s menstruation cycle? Why not laugh derisively at your kids’ moral confusion as Trump snorts and sniggers and taunts, baits, harangues and bullies anyone and everyone within earshot, from reporters to his fellow candidates to the pope himself? “See that, kiddo? That’s how you become a success at life. Troll everyone, incite violence, and never, ever let them see you speak the truth.”

And when real horror happens? When ISIS-minded terrorists massacre 30 people in Brussels, causing a global outpouring of grief and sympathy, why not let Trump teach your kids, well, the exact opposite. Brussels is now a “disaster city,” he said. “We gotta stop Muslims from doing anything anywhere, ever,” he more or less added. Trump!

Think little of your kids' future? Want to leave them a world, a country far more miserable and racist and hateful than it is now? You know who to vote for.

Think little of your kids’ future? Want to leave them a world, a country far more miserable and racist and hateful than it is now? You know who to vote for.

Do not underestimate your own influence, lousy, Trump-voting parents. Studies show that, while social media and their friends wield tremendous power, it’s parents who influence kids’ thinking most of all, particularly when it comes to how to best behave in civil society, respect one another and move through the world with love, grace and dignity.

See? The dumb little mutts trust you, no matter what. Therefore, what better example than to cast your vote for the man who embodies the very worst in human nature, and will do everything he can to make their future a miserable, xenophobic hellhole?

Perhaps you worry that your children still harbor faint hopes of someday moving far away from you, getting an education and discovering the world is, in fact, not a raging cesspool of conservative paranoia and panic, but is instead a rich, deeply fascinating kaleidoscope of wonder, challenge and possibility?

To hell with that. It’s time to unleash your ultimate weapon of mass destruction.

This election cycle, teach your kids to respect the values that make America truly great. It’s time to show your deeply unfortunate kids what you really think of their pathetic future, and vote for the one man who is the very antithesis of human compassion, integrity and wisdom, and who means the world ill.

Do it for the country. Do it for their future. Do it for their own good. Your kids will thank you for it.

Hate. I mean hate you for it.

Read more here:: Horrible parents choose Trump!

Mark Morford

About Mark Morford