Top secret documents recently delivered to SFGate via anonymous courier (read: a “visibly drunk” Megyn Kelly, BMW X5, Walmart parking lot, Tucson) reveal what many are calling a “shocking” and “highly unusual” campaign strategy on the part of the controversial Republican frontrunner, Donald J. Trump.
The strategy appears as nefarious as it is difficult to believe. No stranger to inflammatory, bombastic and intellectually infantile rants – including a recent one about blocking all travel for Muslims entering America – Trump and his campaign strategists appear to have come up with a scheduled master list of outrageous pronouncements, code-named “Mission: Nutjob,” each designed to build on the offensiveness and moral vulgarity of the previous, until the nation goes “batsh-t insane” with disbelief, and votes Trump into office.
Could it work? Don’t ask the heavily bigoted GOP base; they’re already gone.
TOP SECRET: “Operation: Nutjob”
WARNING INCLUDES CAT PHOTOS DO NOT BEND
© 2015 Trump, Donald J. and Associates – !!!Do NOT show 2 anyone or big trouble!!!
• The “no more big horse vaccinations for little kids” autism thing
• Say “There’s nobody bigger or better at the military than I am,” with a straight face, daring O’Reilly not to crack up/punch self in face
• “Build a really big wall and make Mexico pay for it” thing
• “Because Mexicans are rapists” thing
• Megyn Kelly “bimbo/blood coming out of her whatever” thing
• Remind everyone of “All women on ‘The Apprentice’ flirted with me, that’s to be expected” quip from his 2004 book How to Get Rich
• The “they should have had more guns” smear, regarding massacre at the Charlie Hebdo office in Paris
• Grudge tweet about how awesome it is that Macy’s stock is sliding (Revenge after store decided to stop carrying skanky Trump cologne and cheesy ties after “rapists” quip, above) and shoppers should boycott the store
Just another day at the REAL mall of America
• “Close up the Internet” thing
• Idea: Mosque surveillance
• Idea: “Big database o’ Muslims” or whatever
• All in on Allah! “Total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States.” (Boom. Drop mic. Relish national freak-out).
• Pic mic up again, “Also, I’ve had about enough of those weird Hindus. What are they up to? They’re everywhere. Ban ’em. Indian food gives me gas.” Drop mic for real this time, but mostly because hands are slippery from stroking eel in pocket
• Call in to conspiracy wing-nut Alex Jones with “super-smart” idea to solve inner-city crime by giving all young black males a job at Trump hotels… in Kuala Lumpur (“Haha get it? Because far away?”)
• Cameo appearance on Paula Deen to announce plan to ban all foods that sound like – and therefore probably are – Muslim terrorist plots and/or liberal hippie schemes, like quinoa and rutabaga and sassafras
• Announce economic restructuring plan centered around simplifying “confusing” U.S. paper currency by putting his own face on all denominations
• Say “screw it” and make them all 100s
• Shut down all liberal universities and “scumbag” media outlets, replace with giant walls of ATMs and/or strip clubs that only accept Trump 100s
• Ditto prisons
• Three little words: High-tar cigarettes
• Legalize polygamy, but only if you make north of seven figures
• Prohibit Africa
• Discredit trees
• Sneeze on oceans
• Declare climate science to be “just like Game of Thrones but for little pet squirrels you keep in a jar.” When reporters say they have no idea what the hell you’re talking about, reply, “Idiots. You were all probably vaccinated as kids, right? I rest my case.”
• Something something something, Mother Theresa/Pope Benedict sex tape
• Announce plan for National Cat Shooting Day because there are “way too many damn cats” and Donald J. Trump, for one, does not like cats
• Announce Dog Meat for the Poor Initiative, because Trump ate dog meat once in China and it “wasn’t so terrible” and “we have too many dogs going to waste in shelters and poor people could just eat them or something, OK?”
• Watch holy war erupt between dog lovers and cat lovers. Stroke eel in pocket, chortle.
• As nation seethes, announce final campaign offer: Vote for Trump, get free gun, pack of high-tar cigarettes, taxidermy cat, $100 Trump note to spend at any strip club in Trumptown – er, America.
Boom! Hello, President Trump.
Read more here:: Operation: Nutjob – Trump’s secret campaign strategy REVEALED
