Pew Research! God bless ‘em, and their semi-annual poll on religion in America, the latest of which informs us that fully 50 percent of Americans still believe that gay sex – can you guess? – is a sin.
Isn’t that fantastic? It’s also, oddly enough, a 5% increase over last year, which means that a tiny fraction of Americans appear to have switched from thinking gay sex is pretty much OK with God, Jesus, Buddha and the angels in America, right back to believing that enjoying the pleasures of the flesh with someone of your same gender is an abomination against a very nervous, homophobic God no one really understands and far fewer realize has been completely wrong about pretty much everything all along.
The 7 Deadly Sins. Not including dick pics, bending an iPhone 6, or Rick Perry
I mean, how else to explain that gay sex is rampant across pretty much the entire animal kingdom? It’s true: nearly every species you can name, from dolphin to donkey, honeybee to giraffe, cockroach to cockatiel offers examples of homosexual hookup for all sorts of reasons, including love, pleasure, domestic partnership, community, survival and naked rainbow trance dancing in Palm Springs. Shame on you, gay penguins! How dare you choose to be gay after God gave you all that, uh, ice.
So, what gives? Has support for the nefarious “gay agenda” actually leveled off? Not likely. Support for gay marriage is at record high (55%), and climbing. More tellingly, 8 in 10 young people think the gay thing is no big deal and wish the olds would just shut up about it already so they can get back to downloading fetish porn and pretending to be polyamorous on Tinder.
Keep in mind, Pew only polled about 2000 people. Five percent of 2000 is a scant 100 humans. You can find that many homophobes in the gun aisle of any given Walmart right now.
But still, it’s… something. Support for gay marriage has surged, but the numbers who fear gay sex hasn’t really budged in years.
I smell overlap. I sense a significant crossover between the 50 percent who think gay sex is a sin, and, for example, the 33 percent who deny their own evolution from monkeys – preferring, I suppose, the popular Christian belief that humans evolved from an enormous brick of prehistoric Velveeta. This 50% also surely dovetails with the 30% of Americans who still believe that cloud computing involves… actual clouds.
In other words, they just aren’t all that bright. Is ignorance a sin? Because it really, really should be.
Then again, gays shouldn’t feel too bad about being thusly cast. They are, after all, in excellent company, given how the Big List ‘o Sins now officially includes, well, pretty much everything, from drinking alcohol to masturbating, also jealousy, envy, fits of rage, taking drugs, creating poverty and excess wealth (sorry, Zuck), stem-cell research (what?), polluting the environment (whoops), contributing to the widening divide between the rich and poor (uh-oh), and of course, masturbating in a jealous rage while drinking alcohol and taking drugs (come on, who hasn’t?)
America! We’re all having gay sex now.
