Cocaine. Cocaine and pixie dust. And maybe some snuff you found in a strange, cool-looking tin in your dad’s dresser drawer from the ‘80s that smells like gasoline and charcoal briquettes and makes your nose burn, eyes water and throat clench up in panic – so you know it must be good.
But that’s it. That’s all you should ever really be snorting, and I’m not even sure about the cocaine anymore because I tried a whole big bunch of it myself, back when, and it never seemed to make me exceedingly rich or get me hardcore partying with hot porn stars and Slash and a pre-sober Russell Brand, as promised on the label. Oh, well.
But not chocolate. You should definitely probably not be snorting powdered chocolate, from a little tin, in a nightclub, especially a tin with the name “Coco Loko” on it, which is actually a product you can buy, right now, legally, on Amazon, because this is America and capitalism laughs at your meager concerns about “life” and “health” and “lung capacity.”
But if you really need a doctor to tell you that it’s a bad idea to snort “infused” coco powder full of unregulated ingredients, perhaps you actually should snort some, because you are apparently not very bright and probably aren’t reading this anyway, so, you know, never mind I guess.
Do you actually care what Coco Loko is? You do not. Not really. Come on.
Then again, I totally understand the universally desperate need for any sort of distraction from the Trumpocalypse, so here you go: Coco Loko is a flavored, “infused” snuff made with cocoa powder and a bunch of other stuff, and it’s sold in a little tin for about 25 bucks and it was “invented” by a pseudo-clever millennial kid from Florida, who actually didn’t invent it at all and just swiped the idea from some YouTube clips he saw of not very bright club kids in Europe snorting something similar.
Did you get that? Because nothing says “quality health product” like Eurotrash club kids, Florida, and millennial.
Is Coco Loko a big deal? It’s not a big deal. Is it “a thing?” It’s not really a thing. It’s just a modern iteration of snuff, the classic tobacco product that’s been around since the 17th century (if not far earlier, in tribal cultures), just another dumb head-shop product that only caught the attention of the Interweb and a handful of MSM outlets due to the inclusion of everyone’s favorite dietary supplement, chocolate.
Clever! But not really. And certainly no worse for you than those giant tubs of terrifying health powders and bizarro, heart-stopping supplements you can buy at your local GNC. Or from Pfizer.
But this is why “What to know about snortable chocolate” is actually a headline you can read in 2017, on places like Rolling Stone and CNN and Time magazine and, well, right here, because we do not have enough nightmare hell to endure right now. “OMG who will think of the children?!” And so on.
To make matters worse (though to make sales much better), a grumpy politician quickly jumped into the fray, and it was, sadly, none other than the Dems’ own “Grandpa” Chuck Schumer, who took a break from flinging not-nearly-angry-enough anti-Trump tweets to actually call on the FDA to investigate Coco Loko, even though the stuff is perfectly legal and the FDA has no authority to regulate such products – and Schumer, like all politicians trying to speak authoritatively about drugs and youth culture, just sounds like a clueless old fool.
“I can’t think of a single parent who thinks it is a good idea for their children to be snorting over-the-counter stimulants up their noses,” Schumer actually said, apparently not realizing that’s not a question anyone was asking.
“This product is like cocaine on training wheels,” he added – which, of course, if you’re a Florida party kid who can’t afford coke, sounds totally awesome and makes the product more cool, not less. After all, nothing like some old guy in a suit who wears half-reading glasses 24/7 scolding kids and telling them not to do something, to make them want it even more. Couldn’t ask for better publicity, really.
Wait, maybe grandpa Chuck is getting kickbacks from Loko? Is there conspiracy afoot? I smell collusion! Or rather, I snort it! I hear that’s the cool thing to do.
