- Republican National Convention
- Bath salts, orangutan-scented
- Condom, slightly used, near storm drain, Hyde St. at Ellis, Tenderloin
- Fifty Shades of Grey Collector’s Edition hand-knit enema bag cozy, XXL
- Subscription to the New Yorker, as read to you every week, aloud, by Justin Beiber, covered in bees
- 50-piece Russell Stover chocolate-covered asparagus nibs, pre-chewed
- Data breach, 20 million customers affected, plus or minus, so far as you know
- Fresh chicken beaks, 50lb bag, spilled all over your shoes
- Angioplasty, the board game
- Multiple tightly wound clusters of furious confusion interspersed with moments of perfect calm except for all the screaming
- Zune
- Incessant high-pitched ringing sound, inner ear, totally maddening
- “Bloated Pediatricians of the NRA” 2003 wall calendar, weirdly stained
- 2003 Toyota Echo
- Gaza Strip
- Eerily unsettling weather patterns signaling, deep in your bones, that something is very, very wrong but you feel totally powerless to do anything about it so screw it let’s try some crack
- 1,342 animated GIFs somehow all featuring Adam Sandler
- Tire fire
- Scientology
- Emoticon, minced, in fish oil
- Measles, long stemmed, in charming porcelain vase
- CrueltyCo™ Dick Cheney Commemorative Home Waterboarding Kit, Ages 3 and Up
- Duck carcass press
- Dream, long abandoned, probably having to do with art or travel or a happy marriage or learning multiple languages or writing a children’s book or maybe one day owning a small villa somewhere in the mountains of Italy
- Eau de Ted Cruz
Read more here:: Top 25 least romantic Valentine’s gifts
