Top 25 least romantic Valentine’s gifts

February 13, 2015 Originally published on SFGate
  1. Republican National Convention
  2. Bath salts, orangutan-scented
  3. Condom, slightly used, near storm drain, Hyde St. at Ellis, Tenderloin
  4. Fifty Shades of Grey Collector’s Edition hand-knit enema bag cozy, XXL
  5. Subscription to the New Yorker, as read to you every week, aloud, by Justin Beiber, covered in bees
  6. 50-piece Russell Stover chocolate-covered asparagus nibs, pre-chewed
  7. Data breach, 20 million customers affected, plus or minus, so far as you know
  8. Fresh chicken beaks, 50lb bag, spilled all over your shoes
  9. Angioplasty, the board game
  10. Multiple tightly wound clusters of furious confusion interspersed with moments of perfect calm except for all the screaming
  11. Zune
  12. Incessant high-pitched ringing sound, inner ear, totally maddeningThumbnail for 3695
  13. “Bloated Pediatricians of the NRA” 2003 wall calendar, weirdly stained
  14. 2003 Toyota Echo
  15. Gaza Strip
  16. Eerily unsettling weather patterns signaling, deep in your bones, that something is very, very wrong but you feel totally powerless to do anything about it so screw it let’s try some crack
  17. 1,342 animated GIFs somehow all featuring Adam Sandler
  18. Tire fire
  19. Scientology
  20. Emoticon, minced, in fish oil
  21. Measles, long stemmed, in charming porcelain vase
  22. CrueltyCo™ Dick Cheney Commemorative Home Waterboarding Kit, Ages 3 and Up
  23. Duck carcass press
  24. Dream, long abandoned, probably having to do with art or travel or a happy marriage or learning multiple languages or writing a children’s book or maybe one day owning a small villa somewhere in the mountains of Italy
  25. Eau de Ted Cruz

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Mark Morford

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