15 essential New Years resolutions you still have time to make

December 30, 2015 Originally published on SFGate
      1. Fewer cat videos, more theoretical physics
      2. Ramp up intake of efficacious inebriates/meditation techniques that successfully alleviate ongoing realization that you live in a country where the leading conservative presidential candidate is a raging, inarticulate racist troll and some people think that’s just terrific
      3. (Choose any three): Marry up, ride hard, live free, eat less, exercise more, open wide, die young, dance naked, run wild, spring forward, fall apart, come together, go green, keep calm, dream/rock/carry on, power up, shut down, kiss off, be well, smile often, phone home, tune in, drop dead, stay classy
      4. Something something something, Slayer neck tattoo
      5. Damn the doubters; continue to refer to your “game-changing,” “disruptive” startup idea as “The Uber of home pickling”
      6. Re-watch missed episodes of The Knife Show to check for extant offers on 5′ Green Jade Dragon’s Lair WizardMaster™ Super Katanas for mounting above crib in baby’s room
      7. Be nicer to animals, even the ones that are not cute or do not taste delicious over rice, especially those that are terribly sad about how we’ve ruthlessly eliminated pretty much half of them worldwide, most in the past 40 years
        Less of the former, more of the latter. Just a suggestion

        Less of the former, more of the latter. Just a suggestion

      8. Remix Adele’s new record to sound exactly like 300 kittens screaming into a simply humungous amount of pie. Realize that’s already what it sounds like. Pour bourbon, listen to new Baroness instead
      9. Bite more rainbows
      10. Humbly request, then outright demand, that dark matter explain itself already, because come on
      11. Three little words: Lego. Colonoscopy. Catering.
      12. Register Trumpocalypse.com, divest all stocks, purchase Airstream, load with copious tequila and MDMA and yoga mats and incense and grass-fed steaks and leather, prepare for end times/freedom
      13. Cultivate compassion for those who give you the most difficulty, for those who cause the most overt harm in the world, for those who blindingly rage against Other because they lack all nuanced understanding and inclusive perspective, for they will almost certainly be coming back, most likely as baffled Tasmanian devils with contagious cancer that causes ugly facial tumors. Be kind.
      14. Challenge adorable new biblical scholarship that suggests that Eve actually came from Adam’s penis, not his rib. This is silly and insulting. Adam’s penis created Hell, guns, war. Eve was created when the serpent dropped MDMA with the moon. I mean, obviously.
      15. Fewer hoodies, more grace

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Mark Morford

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