Amazon hits Peak Sloth, reveals Dash buttons for Doritos, Red Bull, Slim Jims

April 15, 2016 Originally published on SFGate

Good news, bro! Amazon has your (flabby, malnourished, pre-cancerous) back!

Get this: Bezos & Co. just announced a whole slew of new, entirely silly Dash buttons for the lazy and the perplexed. You ready? Who cares?

You remember Dash buttons? Those wildly ridiculous, individually branded, Bluetooth-enabled micro-devices you stick all over the house – on the dishwasher, the pantry, your kids’ faces – to instantly reorder certain “everyday” major-label products (detergent, diapers, fetish porn) with the single press of a button, because you’re too lethargic and desperately first-world entitled to actually make a shopping list or get off the couch to take care of your home like a normal human?

I wrote about these nefarious little demons of the apocalypse exactly one year ago, in 2015, when Amazon first unveiled them in a haze of firesmoke and creepy, distant screams. I went so far as to make up a few of (what I thought were) the most ridiculous-seeming buttons Amazon could try out in the future – vodka, bullets, birth control pills.

I was not the slightest bit far from the truth.

Thus exclaims the excitable/stoned Amazon press release:

Today Amazon announced it has more than tripled its lineup of Dash Button brands available to Prime members. Now with over 100 Dash Buttons to choose from, Amazon makes it even easier for Prime members never to run out of everyday essentials again.

Representing top-name brands across dozens of retail categories, new Dash Button highlights include Red Bull, Energizer, Illy Coffee, Trojan condoms, Clorox, and many more!

Now, with Amazon Dash, you never have to run out of life’s essentials – assuming, of course, your life is one of general abject misery, clinical depression and lots of highly processed, cancerous junk food, insofar as, no matter how much Red Bull you buy or how many bags of Doritos you inhale in a sad, drunken stupor, you only seem to feel more angry, less social, more apt to punch a wall and way too likely to suddenly vote for Trump.

(Note: It is somewhat possible I made up that last paragraph).

You know, for morons.

You know, for morons.

Shall we try and be fair? After all, I imagine it to be wonderfully convenient and helpful, if you’re a stressed parent, to be able to reorder necessary household goods easily and quickly, as you need them. Exhausted moms need all the help they can get. And of course, it’s now an instant-gratification economy. Ultra-convenience is the American way. You know, until it kills us.

Then again, it’s sort of bulls–t, no? Can you even measure the size of the carbon footprint and the overall waste of human energy required to prep, pack and ship you, say, a few packs of Orbit gum, or a box of Trojan condoms, or a few bags of Orville Redenbacher microwave popcorn? (Yes, each has its own button now). From my (very limited, because I don’t really care about Amazon or Dash, and neither do you) research, there is no minimum order for Dash buttons. You can probably order a single bag of Xtreme Cool Ranch Doritos and have it shipped to your door tomorrow, and only the gods will look upon you in unabashed disgust. Progress!

Do you feel it, America? We’re very close now. We’re almost there. We’ve almost attained Peak Sloth.

For lo, it is now a world where you can sink back into your couch, safe in the knowledge that an unimaginably vast, complex, trillion-dollar network of globally interlinked communication technologies, computer systems, fiber-optic cables and tracking algorithms are right this second joining with highly advanced warehouse robotics and massive amounts of sheer human effort – all of it underscored by a millennia of mind-boggling scientific discovery and advancement – to make sure your pack of gummy, cancer-ready meat-like sticks is sitting on your doorstep mere hours after you drunkenly pressed the Slim Jims button.

Victory! See you in hell.

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Mark Morford

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