Christian group: The end of the world is… whoops

October 16, 2015 Originally published on SFGate

I know what you’re thinking: “Really? Another apocalypse? Like, today? Right now? Why didn’t someone call me? I am not dressed properly. I don’t nearly have enough propane, leather, bullets, zombie repellant, tequila.”

Well, too bad for you. For us. Apparently we should’ve all been listening far more closely to the savvy prophecies and deeply intelligent calculations of cult nutball brilliant Christian leader Chris McCann, head of some Philly-based online Christian clan called eBible Fellowship, because apparently ‘iBible’ was already taken.

According to McCann, humanity’s time has run out. “It’ll be gone forever. Annihilated.” That’s right: Doomsday is set for sometime today um, awhile ago, October 7, 2015, in the Year of Our Lord Who is Constantly Rolling His Eyes and Face-Palming.

From the podcast’s web page:

Good afternoon and welcome to EBible Fellowship’s Sunday afternoon Bible study. Today we are continuing to look at, “Why October 7, 2015 is the Likely End of the World,” and this is study #5 in this series.
So far, we have learned the following information:
1) October 7, 2015 is “10,000 days” since God began judgment on the house of God, the churches of the world, on May 21, 1988;
2) October 7, 2015 is the “1,600th day” since God began judgment on the world on May 21, 2011; it would be the “40th” forty; and
3) October 7, 2015 is the last day of the Feast of Harvest, which God relates to the end of the world.

And there you have it. There’s more. Lots and lots more, so much arcane and happily bizarre hypothesizing as to make you glad you’re a Buddhist.

Personally, I always enjoy how fundamentalist Christian God is, apparently, way into calendars; he’s obsessed with dates and times, always counting down. I also enjoy how it matters not that humankind invented time, clocks, the calendar itself, over and over again, to suit our needs and obsessions, our harvests and our human sacrifices.

Sorry, not yet

Sorry, not yet

It matters not to religious zealots that time is, in other words, a complete illusion. If quantum theory and astrophysics have taught us anything, it’s that we really have no idea exactly how long the universe has been pulsing, what it’s all made of, or how human consciousness can possibly exist to ponder it all, much less itself. I suppose this is why we had to invent God in the first place? The cosmos freaks us out.

But never mind that now. God just checked his sexy new Hermés Apple Watch, and, according to his Endtimes app, it all comes crashing down today. Don’t forget to water your plants.

Of course, we’ve been here before, many times. Apocalyptic prophecies have been around since man first scrawled fireballs on the cave wall and made funny explosion sounds with his mouth. It was only a handful of years ago that the late, great Oakland preacher Harold Camping, who died at 92 before he could enjoy today’s cataclysm, predicted that the world was going end on May 11, 2011. Perhaps Camping is out there right now, floating in the great cosmic ether with God, sipping boxed wine and laughing mightily?

Not to worry: If we don’t happen to die in a screaming orgy of pain and OMG WTF today, there are a bunch of other doomsdays already lined up. Even Sir Isaac Newton couldn’t resist joining the Apocalypse Party (set your iCal for 2060, he warned).

Perhaps we shouldn’t take it all so lightly? After all, great and ancient are the sages and mystics from various traditions who’ve suggested, while the world might not literally “end” on a particular day, that the universe does indeed going through great churnings; perhaps we really on the cusp of a vast, cosmic tipping point, as the galaxy tumbles through its various ages, epochs and cycles both celestial and tertiary.

The Hindus point to the Kali Yuga – AKA “a time of wickedness,” a patriarchal dark age lasting 6,480 years – which either ended relatively recently or still has a few more years of brutal, macho, war-loving, gun-obsessed dogma (sound familiar?) before we can finally shift back to new, divinely aligned Satya Yuga (“Golden Age”). The Maya Long Count Calendar, measuring time in 396-year baktuns, wasn’t really about doomsday prophecies, but rather about trying to place man’s tiny flicker of existence into the immense weave of the cosmos.

These are ancient philosophies that don’t necessarily point to literal upheavals per se – not to some angry, bearded grandfather in the sky deciding he’s had enough – but to profound transformations of human existence, of consciousness itself.

Is it so farfetched? Given the state of the planet’s health overall, it’s no longer the slightest bit difficult to imagine humankind going through some, shall we say, very rough times in the coming decades, as the animals vanish, the oceans empty out and the planet convulses evermore violently, thanks largely to our ongoing mistreatment. We might not perish in a massive fireball, but we will almost certainly be forced to dramatically rethink our role and our vicious egocentrism, if we are to survive much longer.

But where’s the rapturous fun in that? Far more insanely delightful to go “full Christian” and take it all very literally when bonkers Bible “interpreters” speak of giant fireballs, nuclear hellstorms and wrathful, calendar-obsessed God smiting all the gays, perverts, sodomites and liberal left-coast writers who brought these Endtimes upon us in the first place (just guessing).

So on this, yet another fine day of our Imminent, Any-Second-Now Doom, let us raise a glass to the Apocalypticians: to the wild-eyed and the dour-hearted, to the God-fearing and the attention-starved, longing to see the world explode so they may get more “likes” on Facebook and more listeners to their podcasts.

To the Endtimes! All over again!

Read more here:: Christian group: The end of the world is… TODAY

Mark Morford

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