Doom to your door! Taco Bell delivers

July 14, 2015 Originally published on SFGate

If you are reading these words, you are not, it is safe to say, Taco Bell’s target demographic.

By which I mean: You do not much care for, you know, words. Reading. Any sort of informed enquiry, really. Complex thought, simple thought, the general figuring out of any sort of… stuff? Just causes trouble.

Of course, this goes double for annoying concepts like health, nutrition, disease, obesity, death. Elitist phantasms, all. Who has the time?

Indeed, for those addicted to Taco Bell’s self-hating array of colon-punching offerings, only one reaction to the news that the pseudo-Mexican spigot just rolled out home delivery in 200 cities – AKA the holy grail of American dietary dystopia – will suffice: a thick, lethargic blink of delight, coupled to a weird shooting pain in your small intestine.

Taco Bell home delivery! Is it not wonderful? Is it not more than a little ironic? After all, wasn’t the whole point of “fast food” to avoid any sort of, you know, waiting? What once took three minutes at the Taco Bell counter – place order, pay money, shove food into face – now takes upwards of 38 minutes, plus four bucks for delivery. WTF?

The key difference, of course: You no longer need to leave the house. Violá! We’ve swapped ultra-convenience for… catatonic convenience. Who says America can’t innovate? Game on, China.

Does it matter that “fast food, delivered” is an oxymoron? Will any programmer or happily stoned college drone worth his oily skin and early onset diabetes realize that the “fast” has been entirely removed from “fast food?” Of course he won’t. Does the DoorDash delivery guy – an employee of the company with whom Taco Bell has partnered for this particular culinary apocalypse – officially have the worst job on the face of the earth, as he stands outside the frat-house door holding a ginormous bag of dripping, oozing, pseudo-edible delights? Damn straight.

All part of the on-demand economy (AKA the shut-in economy), baby, perhaps the worst non-innovation in entitled tech-bubble history.

Oh come on. You KNOW this is a perfect picture.

Oh come on. You KNOW this is a perfect picture.

And who loves that kind of convenience the most? Millennials, of course, for whom it was (sort of) invented.

Or so these companies like to believe. Add Taco Bell to the list of companies desperately trying to capture a slice of the elusive demographic, and often failing, mostly misreading that weird generation entirely as they deny their own corporate identities – which, in Taco Bell’s case and despite their attempts to improve their menus ever so slightly, has always been to make you as addicted, obese and diabetic as possible, as quickly as possible. I mean, let’s be honest.

Did you notice the other problem with waiting more than five minutes for fast food? That’s right: It does not hold up well. Give all that grease, fat, salt, corn syrup solids, hormones and other bits of abject misery more than 30 minutes to stew in a bag? Culinary suicide, kiddo; highly flammable sludge from which even feral dogs will recoil.

Does anyone care? No one really cares. The “American diet” – read: endless garbage from the likes of KFC, Taco Bell and other Yum! Brands – not to mention McDonald’s and Starbucks, et al – has successfully poisoned the world. Obesity rates are still climbing hard in developing nations, as wealth increases and American companies swarm in. Here’s your Venti Cotton Candy Frappuccino Blended Crème beverage, Indonesia! Enjoy.

Fear not! America is still the fattest (1 in 3 of us are now officially obese) and the most diabetic in the world. But China, Mexico, and others are gaining fast. Looks like Taco Bell already successfully delivered! Well done, America.

Read more here:: Doom to your door! Taco Bell delivers

Mark Morford

About Mark Morford