God “totally cool” with giving Tim Cook all that homosexuality

October 31, 2014 Originally published on SFGate

It’s a shame that the nation’s remaining homophobes can no longer use Apple products.

I mean, sure, most attuned people sort of already knew that Tim Cook, Apple’s CEO, was gay. But now there he is, the top executive at the most valuable and recognized company in the world, a global mega-corporation worth hundreds of billions, not only flagrantly announcing he’s “proud to be gay,” but that his homosexuality is … oh dear … “among the greatest gifts God has given me.”

Well! There’s no pretending anymore, is there, conservatives? There’s no way for fundamentalists to continue to feign (even more) Biblical or cultural ignorance, and keep on using all these gay-supporting, abortion-loving, science-enjoying technologies and services.

In fact, given Cook’s shameless blasphemy (homosexuality is an abomination of God, you iPhone-lickers, not a “gift”), there’s really only one thing any true fundamentalist worth her hollow moral panic should do right now: boycott Apple products.

Obviously, right? Vote with your pocketbook, social conservatives! Let that terrible gay executive and his terrible gay company with their terrible, giant gay iPhones know exactly how you feel. Down with iPad! No more iTunes! God will most certainly not stand for this!

Except, whoops, it looks like God just might. Turns out Apple is selling product faster than it can manufacture it, and the world’s most favorite, best-known gay-lovin’ company is on track to have its most staggering quarter in history.

God, apparently, thinks Tim Cook is sort of awesome. And Jesus is no better; he’s been hanging with Steve Jobs for more than a year, doing yoga and chatting about Buddhism. WTF?

Tim waves to God, who's standing in the back, giving an enthusiastic thumb's up

Tim waves to God, who’s standing in the back, giving an enthusiastic thumb’s up

Enough wisecrack, hippie liberal columnist! Social conservatives must stand their ground!

Tim Cook waves to God, who is standing in back, giving an enthusiastic thumb’s up

Single women, gays, sluts, giant green butt plugs pretending to be Christmas trees, perverts and feminist hooligans are ruining this world! Apple is just the beginning: It’s time for hardcore believers to ban together and boycott all companies who support gay marriage, birth control, abortion rights, Obamacare, egg freezing, gender reassignment surgery and all other forms of vile perversion, save, of course, for Viagra prescriptions and extra Xanax for the miserable wife.

OK! Let’s see now: That means no more GM, Microsoft, Facebook, Safeway, Wells Fargo, UPS, Time Warner, HBO, Starbucks, Disney. No more Hollywood movies, TV shows, automobiles, McDonald’s or Taco Bell or KFC. No more supporting the gay-tolerant, women-allowing U.S. military. No more banking, shopping on Amazon, SnapChatting or Tweeting or eBaying. No more of pretty much any major store, technology or service you can name.

Hey, at least you have that most patriotic of red-blooded, all-American swill, Budweiser, right? No? God damn.

Indeed, conservatives are now hard-pressed to find any company, large or small, that doesn’t at least tolerate, if not openly endorse (on TV! During the Super Bowl! Everywhere you look!) gay marriage, women’s rights, immigration reform, et al.

But fear not, Christian minions! A friendly discount still awaits exhausted homophobes at Chick-Fil-A, and you can shop for tacky, low-grade crap at Hobby Lobby, safe in the knowledge that its sad little owners really detest women and their repulsive vaginas. Add in the Salvation Army and, um, Cracker Barrel, and it’s just like heaven! Except, you know, without the silly God part.

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Mark Morford

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