How to defeat Trump, King of the Trolls

August 24, 2015 Originally published on SFGate

He speaks his mind, such as it is. Says whatever he wants. Jumps the rails of the standard narrative, blasphemes right inside the GOP’s own church (Fox News), demeans women and immigrants and science, offhandedly sort of maybe once endorsed single-payer healthcare, snorts, flips off the world, shrugs.

This is what his frothing minions love most, yes? The most refreshing thing? That Trump is beholden to no one, save his own massive, dreadful ego? That he, therefore, has no need of filter, canned reply, giving a damn what anyone thinks?

It’s partly true, anyway: Unlike every other candidate in the GOP field, Trump is the only one not wholly owned and operated by self-serving billionaires (other then himself, obviously) – no Koch, no Ellison, no bloated coal magnates, no wealthy white males without whom the entire GOP field would collapse like an old tire full of razor blades and rancid meat.

If this were a parallel (and much better) universe, Trump could almost be seen as sort of a dream candidate, the kind of passionate, outspoken, independent-minded fire-breather one might wish would pave a way to the Head Office on a wave of radical ideas, impressive intelligence and balls-out charisma, all of it coupled to a deep, abiding kindness and a shockingly erudite understanding of the real issues inherent in the human experiment.

Alas, we’re nowhere near there. We’re stuck right here.

This dream is, of course, more of a nightmare, a loud, vapid, sexist anti-vaxxer/birther egomaniac with about as much personal integrity and humanity as a feral hyena on too many whippits.

Did you know Trump’s most rabid fans are now even trolling Fox News? Sending death threats to Megyn Kelly? This is truly amazing: The right is now trolling itself. It’s like the Death Star getting attacked by another smaller, meaner, dumber Death Star that suddenly appeared from inside its own colon. Irony!

He's the exact poison the GOP itself invented

He’s the exact poison the GOP itself invented

And therein lies the secret. Because this is what Trump really is, isn’t it? He’s the Troll King, a master of the baited insult, the bombastic taunt, the ideological middle finger, all resulting from years of crass deal-mongering, endless bloviation, whoring his name to everything from mattresses to terrible cologne to reality TV.

Isn’t it marvelous? He’s the GOP’s truest mirror, their darkest and most perfect creation, a frothy cocktail of Limbaugh, Koch, O’Reilly, Tea Party nutcase, sexist throwback, this guy, dryer lint, stale snake venom. Even Fox News chairman Roger ‘Jabba the Hut’ Ailes kowtows to him. GOP comeuppance, thy name is Donald.

Is it any wonder he rules the polls? At this point, Trump could sell bandanas to ISIS and his followers wouldn’t care. Even openly insulting Kelly, the GOP’s golden girl, AKA the one female in the world the Republican party sort of pretends to actually care about, only improved his poll numbers.

Worry not, however. Like a ketamine/absinthe speedball injected straight into the culture’s eyeball, Trump Fatigue is nigh. The novelty will soon wear off, the election will get slightly more serious and real policy issues will have to be articulated. And if there’s one thing Trump detests most, it’s articulation. Of anything. It’s not the troll way.

Which leads us to what appears to be the one sure-fire way to take him down. (Note: If the GOP could actually understand this, I might be concerned about sharing. But there’s simply no chance).

It’s very simple, really. What do trolls hate most? What drives the meanest, most reactionary, least educated climate deniers, gun nuts, racists, GamerGaters in America utterly insane?

That’s right: Kindness. Intelligence. Introspection. Subtlety. A deft touch. Utter and reasonable calm. Just ask Obama.

Want to get rid of Trump, GOP? Stop attacking him as the bloviated, offensive egomaniac he very much is, and start planting rumors to the exact opposite.

Trump speaks fluent French! Trump carefully reads every issue of the New Yorker, all the way through, even the boring profiles! Trump appreciates the “beautiful wisdom” of the Koran, practices a unique form of Zen meditation every day, thinks the Dalai Lama is a “radiant being of light”.

Trump studies astrophysics in his spare time. Hangs out on yachts with gay Italian menswear designers, smokes tiny cigars, admires Derrida and Wittgenstein, reads The Bhagavad Gita before bed. Trump grows his own orchids. Collects antique Turkish teacups. Can recite most of ‘The Vagina Monologues’ from memory. And so on.

Simple, right? The instant his followers suspect he’s in any way deeply interesting, respectful, intellectually curious, Euro-stylish, kind to animals, just a little weird and exploratory in difficult, fascinating ways? He’s out.

This is the GOP, after all. This is the extreme right. Xenophobia rules. Complex, nuanced humanity is simply not to be tolerated. You’re welcome.

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Mark Morford

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