Mike Huckabee is extremely scared of you and also Satan. And you

May 7, 2015 Originally published on SFGate

You! Who reading this right now. You, who is reading anything at all, really, because words, and elitist, and “critical thinking skills” and oh dear please step away from Mr. Huckabee right now.

You! Who probably, if you really are reading this at all, might even enjoy words, and books, and perhaps even satire, and journalism, and city life and also not ever going to church, which means you are obviously a sodomite extraordinaire and you therefore probably like, nay love San Francisco, and its famous intellectualism and self-definition and world-class everything, and coffee, and gay sex godless pervert.

Don't be trashy, America. Read your Bibles. Or else.

Friendly! Amiable! Severely homophobic! And somehow roughly 7% LESS crazy than Ted Cruz!

See here now? Mike Huckabee! He is a southern Baptist evangelical, an amiable, funny, deeply strange and psycho-emotionally stunted white male human, a former governor and bizarro Fox News pundit who is apparently running for president, again.

Huck! He is apparently angling to hook himself some of that delicious, fragmented, frightened evangelical Christian vote, steal a few true believers from Ted “Science will eat your baby” Cruz, mostly by reminding everyone that Satan is real, homosexuality is a dangerous health hazard and by falling into wheezing convulsions when anyone says the word “vagina.”

See here? Mike is very much against anything you, who is reading this right now, might possibly believe in, stand for, agree with, think about, have sex with or wear on your body like the depraved word-reading sex-haver you are.

Such as! Gay things, vibrating things, advanced educational things, spiritual things, woman things, science things and abortion-rights things and probably even some, what do you call them? Right: Trees. Green foods. Also: Led Zeppelin records, French pastries, umlauts, polysyllabic words, nipples, most of Europe and whatever is behind you right now. Huckabee ‘16!

Hey! Remember that time Mike Huckabee claimed the Sandy Hook massacre, which killed 20 schoolchildren because America’s gun control is a joke and the NRA is a revolting inbred fetish dungeon and our national obsession with weaponry is shameful on a vast and tragic scale, was actually because of “taxpayer funded abortion pills,” and because there wasn’t enough God being shoved down kids’ throats anymore? Remember that?

How about when he endorsed a version of Christian sharia law, whereby we should cram the Bible into the Constitution and then enforce its absurd dogma in various harsh ways that will certainly result in your castration, imprisonment or the forcible piping down of you damnable females so you can make the GOP a sandwich?

How about when he said “trashy” women should learn to control their libidos rather than rely on “Uncle Sugar” for health care and birth control? Remember when he said Beyonce’s music was toxic slutty whore badness?

It’s OK, though. Because Mike is also, reportedly, quite genial, a very funny, friendly “populist,” which apparently means he’s able to rein in his inner Fox News freakout so as to speak plainly to poorly-educated, anxious working-class Americans who rarely travel, or read, or have fascinating sex, or explore alterative viewpoints pretty much like, ever.

Mike Huckabee! He will bring wonderful things to the GOP race and might even make a terrific president… is a statement you would, quite obviously, be totally bonkers to believe, though I am reasonably certain you do not, because, as we have established, ”reading things” in the “media” or in “journalism” or in the form of “satire” in “San Francisco” is for elitist Obamacare sodomites who want to take away America’s right to be bigoted against, or bash a Bible in the face of, people who are in any way different or smart or foreign or female or weird. Or gay.

Huckabee ’16! Because Satan gay vaginas sin elitist abortion sex pervert. Gay.

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Mark Morford

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