The Keurig Kold: A new way to hate the planet

October 16, 2015 Originally published on SFGate

You! A reminder: Capitalism hates you. Capitalism hates you, and also your kids, your planet, your heart and your blood, your future and your dreams and any trite, laughable sense you might have of love and peace in a balanced, sustainable world.

Obviously, right? How else to explain something as aggressively meaningless, as openly hostile to life itself as the new Keurig Kold pod-sucking soda-making thing, “from the company that brought you 10 billion tons of plastic-pod landfill just so you can swig some really crappy coffee in 28 seconds.”

Keurig! They make pods. Coffee, soda, energy drinks, radiator fluid, sadness, other crap. It’s the billion-dollar company known for nothing more than its mountains of hateful, non-degradable, dolphin-choking, bird-annihilating, life-destroying plastic, because who’s going to stop them, you? God? As if.

Wait, did you think Keurig made coffee machines? That’s cute. They don’t. Those things are incidental. Meaningless. A sideshow. The real money is in the goddamn pods, of which Keurig has now sold upwards of just enough to blot out the sun.

About as “disruptive” as a giant toaster that spews oil.

About as “disruptive” as a giant toaster that spews oil.

Remember the seething resentment you felt when you realized that the reason Epson, HP, Canon et al are willing to sell you a printer for a dollar because they can then charge you 40 bucks to replace the stupid black ink cartridge – which costs them nine cents to manufacture somewhere in a slave-labor camp in India – roughly every three days, because, as mentioned, capitalism hates you? Keurig is like that. Times a zillion.

Right! The product. The Kuerig Kold – which their CEO actually called a “disruptive countertop-size innovation” and no one slapped him – is for making soda. Out of pods. Coke, Diet Coke, Dr. Pepper, “craft” sodas, paint thinner, other diabetes/obesity-branded pods from hell, which you merely shove into the enormous thing, press a button, and in 90 seconds you have a small glass of cold, sugary death.

How convenient! Except it’s not. It takes 90 seconds. How long does it take you to open the fridge and a grab a can of Coke? Or Sprite? Or a giant, processed Kraft cheese log, because if you’re drinking Coke from a pod, you clearly don’t care much for your health and something is deeply wrong with you and you are surely going to die soon anyway? About eight seconds? Exactly.

Funny thing about the Keurig Kold, though: Its soda is not more convenient, or cheaper, or better tasting, or faster. And of course it’s far worse for the environment, and the giant machine will set you back a cool $370, for which you could easily buy four mini fridges and stock them all with enough cheese logs and soda to choke Keurig’s CEO, Brian Kelley, who also sort of hates you.

No, the Kold’s main selling point, apparently, is variety. You can now have a silly assortment of tasty pods on hand – in a specially designed Keurig dispensary, no less – each of which contains the necessary “CO2 beads” (?) and the flavoring goop (high-fructose corn syrup and the saliva of dead cats, from what I hear), thus allowing you to serve your dinner guests any soda they want because apparently your dinner guests are all spoiled, obese children.

Good news! Keurig, whose billions of used-up coffee pods could circle the Earth 10 times, says this is just the beginning. They might soon offer cocktail pods, milk pods, sperm pods, who knows. Coca-Cola, a company that has yet to meet a world-poisoning corn-syrup delivery device it doesn’t love, is a big partner in the new machine. Obviously.

As for the original Keureg, you can now use that one to make Campbell’s soup (from pods, duh), because soup is really difficult to make and you’re just that lacking in good taste and who the hell cares anyway.

Perhaps it’s not all that bad. There are far worse environmental atrocities, far more toxic food products, far nastier examples of capitalism not giving a damn for your or any or human life. Of course there are. It’s all relative, right? Climate change is a hoax and personal choices don’t matter in the least. Now pipe down and drink your pod.

Read more here:: The Keurig Kold: A new way to hate the planet

Mark Morford

About Mark Morford